I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
You Might Also Like
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
That’s it.I’m out.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.