I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
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*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.