[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
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Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
I was just discussing this with my cat
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*