“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
You Might Also Like
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, weâre having regular supper tonight, are you free
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
Women and electronics arenât very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while theyâre in âsleep modeâ.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
âIâm tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.â – guy about to invent the R.V.
me: itâs tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you donât work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and Iâll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesnât sound very fun.
Me: Canât hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
godâs mom: clean your room or iâm throwing away those toys
god: moooom, theyâre not toys. theyâre dinosaurs!
My wifeâs biggest fear isnât that weâll die from Coronavirus, itâs that weâll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
It was to keep our furry overlords contentđ
When I was a kid my mom didnât really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over âif youâre going to be dumb, you have to be tough.â I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I donât really think thatâs what Jesus would have wanted
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.