Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
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My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
This is Narla. She was not allowed to go to the park. And now you are not allowed on the couch. 13/10
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
when you don’t want to be too vague
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.