Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
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“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.