Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
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[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today