Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
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Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
Twitter fine art
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.