Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
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neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
omg leave her alone
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
next question.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.