My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
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[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
new career option?
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”