*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
You Might Also Like
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes