Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
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Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year