to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
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in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
The three genders.
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then