Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
You Might Also Like
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
Three pints is nice. Three pints is when you can talk a little too enthusiastically about Coyote Ugly but there’s no real risk of attempting to do a Coyote Ugly yet.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.