ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
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Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
sleeping beauty
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.