Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
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the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.