When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
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Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
How to draw a duck
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered