[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
You Might Also Like
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
sounds kinky. i’m in.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.