Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
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“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
groan^2
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*