Customer is always right
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Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then