People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
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A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
Where is your GOD now????
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers