Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
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Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
At least he brought enough for everyone
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
My safe word is Worcestershire
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”