Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
You Might Also Like
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store