Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
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Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
Bartenders are just boneless bars
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.