me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
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I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
12653.
Spa day..😅
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs