before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
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I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda