*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
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When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*