wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
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8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
True?
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
When your best mate counts as a desk too
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.