Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
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In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again