OH. COME. ON.
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Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
you know what ruined my childhood? children
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday