At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
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Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
how to have fun when you’re poor
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.