someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
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God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
Leaving the Barbers like
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie