I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
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Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
“How’s your day going?”
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens