Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
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Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.