if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
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How did people charge their phones before electricity?
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?