In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
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I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.