apparently this year was written by stephen king
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My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
lol
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man