Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
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Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.