ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
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*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/