(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
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Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies