I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
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Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse