When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
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“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
Stop it! 😂
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.