If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
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My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.