Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
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I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.