Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
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Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
I am all good here, 😂😉
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*