Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
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Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
Important reminders
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
5 ways to appear taller
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?