I’m dying louder than usual today.
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Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.