I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
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person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
same vibe as tangled headphones
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.