Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
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[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.