bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 馃檨
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
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I couldn鈥檛 afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
the only reason i鈥檓 gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
I鈥檓 sorry, but I鈥檓 never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
[texting my fianc茅 the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
Me: Did you clean your room?
Child: Yes.
Me: Let me rephrase. Is your room clean?
Child: No.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)